The feeling of betrayal cuts so deeply that you would think it was the end of the world. You think your chances of connecting to another human being would be mission impossible. When you actually find the courage to connect with someone and you let your guard up that somehow it comes crashing back down. You search for any excuse to keep anyone from getting close to you again. You push and they pull but eventually the tug of war is too exhausting that you both just give in. Well, I don’t know it is for you but that is how it was for me coming in and out of new relationships wondering why it never just worked out.
There comes a point that you have to get still and realize, maybe there is something more to this. Maybe I can actually do something that changes the fate of my relationships. I didn’t realize that swallowing my pride, not allowing my pain to be seen or heard and moving on quickly was not serving my highest good. I numbed the pain and pretended that I was okay. My belief was “I am strong and I can just move on” mentality definitely served me well to keep me going in the short term. What about the long term? The unresolved feelings came up through triggers of memory that I did not even realize existed. People who cared about me got the short end of the stick, because I chose not to deal with my issues when they came up.
After being betrayed by people, I just simply cut them off. It was easy to cut ties and hit the high road. I mean I had abandonment issues from my father. So, no one was going to leave me again because I was already on my way out the door. See, that mentality of one foot in the door in and the other foot out leaves no room for growth. I needed to get clear on where all these deep feelings of hurt, betrayal and unworthiness was coming from. I had to find it deep in my heart to free myself from the bitter truth that holding on to these stories of being the victim did not serve my highest good. These stories that did not allow for me to let go and free myself from pain. It didn’t allow me to see people for who they really are and what they wanted to be in my life. I had to find the very root of that and simply forgive myself and forgive the other person fully. I was ready to move on with my life to see that the grass indeed was greener on the other side. It wasn’t easy finding one of the many roots to my pain , but I will tell you after months turned into years of simple mindfulness practice that I was able to let go.
I can truly breathe again and not have to worry about what happens next. Whatever does happen next, I simply just allow it to be. I know what I am capable of controlling and what I am not. I will not let someone else’s actions dictate who I am, how I am and where I am in my life.